By Rob. Walton

Boston comic Dane Cook has done the comedy club and college circuit for the better part of a decade. His 2005 triple-CD Retaliation put him on the map, but it wasn’t until he killed—killed—as host of Saturday Night Live on December 3, 2005 that Cook became a literal overnight sensation. In his career-making five-minute monologue, the articulate Cook introduced America to rock star quotes, rambled about post-coital male braggadocio and marveled over his newly discovered penis-cashew stunt. Since that make-or-break night, he’s conquered cable, dominated MySpace and earned a parade of sexy movie costars, from Anna Faris in Waiting and Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck to Juliette Binoche in Dan in Real Life and Kate Hudson in My Best Friend’s Girl. In the Playboy.com Dirty Dozen we throw Dane into our own vicious circle, where he riffs about his long-distance penis adventures, superfluous bimbo sex and getting rough with Jessica Alba.

1. You talk for a living. Do you like to talk dirty while making love?

Dane Cook: Sure, I can do that. I would pride myself, especially, on my phone skills. Having spent a lot of time on the road I have acquired an extensive vernacular. I wanted to learn a lot of ways to describe, you know, penis adventures and I’ll throw a doppelganger in the middle of it. Trust me, I’ll make it work.

2.What is the worst sexual mishap you’ve ever had?

Cook: In a scene that Jessica and I were performing in Good Luck Chuck, we smashed our faces. We were making out and—boom—I hit the wall. As soon as I hit the wall, both of our front teeth were chipped. A piece flew off both of our teeth. At least I can say my worst sexual mishap was with Jessica Alba, and that doesn’t suck.

3. Are you good in bed?

Cook: Yes. I’m very physical. I’m very limber. I do a stretch. Sometimes I sauna before I bring my lady friend over. It’s all about confidence. Especially if you’re partnered up with somebody who is as fearless as you are. Hopefully you meet somebody who has that same kind of gumption and wants to get down and dirty, but do it with a hint of humor. It’s always nice to be able to laugh.

4. What’s the funniest thing that every happened to you during sex?

Cook: One time I was with a girl who I was seeing and she fell asleep. She literally fell asleep. There’s nothing worse than when you’re like, “Baby, did that feel good? ” and there’s that quiet. The first silence it was like, “Wow, she’s really got to think about it, that’s how good this feels. She’s pondering.” And then you ask again, “Huh, baby?” and all of a sudden there’s that different kind of breathing. That, like, “I’m asleep” breathing. The sad thing is I didn’t even wake her up. I just removed myself from her and walked away like a puppy that just crapped on the floor, very sullen. I put her ass to sleep.

5. What’s your favorite sexual act?

Cook: The whole thing. There shouldn’t be one thing where you’re like, Oh, this is rudimentary but in 10 minutes I’m doing the “bionic seahorse. ” I think it should come from a place of affection. Over the years, even if there were ever opportunities for casual sex, it never interested me unless I thought the woman I was with had intelligence or something going on. I was never into the superfluous bimbo sex. Which is why my friends used to be like, “Dude, you’re gay.” I’m very picky.

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